Confessions of a Soul Stealer
by umbrellaman
Summary: The Marine from the "Resurrection of Evil" expansion pack reflects on his use of the demonic artifact. DEFINITELY SPOILERS! Reviews pretty please?


I've played Doom 3 for a while, and I finished the expansion pack recently, and I just found it kinda disturbing that you had to use human souls to use the artifact. 

This isn't a great piece or whatever, it was just sort of spur-of-the-moment inspired and I just pulled out of my ass in a couple of hours. If you don't think it's good, it's probably because of that.

oh, and one more thing. I thought the name "Artifact" was just too bland, so I actually called the Heart of Hell. However, this is not official canon and does not happen in the game, so if you want to disgregard it, feel free to disregard it.

* * *

Personal audio log, entry 465: 

I'm not really anybody, I'm just a marine. All I do is follow orders from my superiors and then carry them out. At the end of the day, I'm just another mindless grunt.

At least, that's how I felt before all of this...this...Hell. Now I'm not sure what I am.

I have no idea if anybody will come across this. After everything I've seen, I don't think that Mars City suffered a reactor core meltdown like the UAC said. I think those...things came through from the other side and took over. The UAC covered all of that up, paid off every last politician and official to not hold investigations or tribunals, even though many of the military's own personnel were among the casualties. They even made that sole survivor sign one hell of a non-disclosure agreement.

Let me add that I even knew the survivor. He's also a marine, we served in the same squad for about three years. Really great guy, told some funny jokes, terrible poker player (chuckle), and one tough S.O.B. My pet name for him was Fubar, 'cause it was only when situations got to be FUBAR that he was really in his element. This was a guy I'd be proud to fight along side with and die, we're practically brothers. But he couldn't tell even ME about what really happened. But from the look on his face, even if he wasn't being hushed by a bunch of legalities, that look in his eyes...I don't think he would have told me anyway. It was like it was too horrific an experience to recount. It was as if he had been to hell and back.

But anyway, everybody just took the UAC's word, let them hold their own personal investigation. There were all these rumors, especially about some mad scientist named Betruger, they say he was responsible for the meltdown. But he was never even found. In the end, all the UAC had to offer was excuses and names. No actual arrests were ever made, no bodies actually brought before a court or committee or board to be held accountable. Dozens of families, devastated by the loss of their loved ones, felt no satisfaction from the UAC's bogus report. But nobody was about to go head-to-head with the world's largest corporation. Hell, nobody could even match legal funds or numbers of lawyers with them. So it all went unquestioned, just got swept under the rug.

Admittedly, I myself was actually content to believe them, although I did wonder if there was more to it. I guess my point is, I doubt they'll let ever allow this new set of events to be disclosed to anybody. So I guess I'm mostly making this for my own benefit, to help sort out everything that I'm feeling. But in any case, I'll make this out like I do have an audience. You know what they say, "if you start talking to yourself, and then start answering back..."

Let me be a bit more descriptive, so as not to sound too metaphoric. It all started when this UAC scientist chick, one Elizabeth McNeil, was recruiting anybody with archeological and combat backgrounds. There were rumors going on about McNeil also, like she just oh-so conveniently transferred off of Mars before the accident. They claim she worked with Betruger, and that she probably helped set off whatever happened there. Or at the very least, she knew a hell of a lot more about what happened than she led you to believe.

Of course, this was all technically rumor. Nobody could say it was actually true or not. But the number of marines and the amount of fire power she was requesting to take along on this expidition set off the red flag of even the most oblivious people. And she kept talking about how we should expect unwelcome guests. Hey, I guess on the one hand we just wanted to make sure that everybody was safe, that what happened two years ago didn't happen again. But that was just a reactor failure (allegedly), not some damn invasion. She made it sound like we should expect an all-out war.

Then again, like I said, it was probably just to make sure that security was as beefed up as possible, and that in all likelihood, this would all go without incident. Besides, it was only for a few months at most, and considering all I'd have to do was stand around and look pretty, maybe even babysit a few eggheads, the pay alone made it seem worth it.

Well, one of the first jobs McNeil had my team doing was exploring and mapping out some of the ruins and caverns. Even then, as I moved through those ruins, it was still hard for my mind to grasp that there really was a civilization that had existed here on Mars, millenia ago. Most people thought the race consisted of those "grays" that abduction victims like to talk about, while I heard others tell stories about how we're actually descendants of this civilization. I didn't know what to believe, I didn't even know if I did believe it. As I said, I was just a marine, all I did was follow my orders to the best of my ability.

Haha, I'm getting sidetracked again. I guess it's easier to focus on small and pointless crap than own up to what happened next.

My team got to this one deadend, but the scanner indicated that there was more open area beyond the wall. Our point man put a det-pack on the wall, and blew it open. What we saw was beyond description. The figures and statues in this room, beyond words. And up aheada set of doors with a glowing circle and strange, glowing symbols on the sides. I approached the doors, and as they opened, they revealed a pedestal with what looked like to be...some kind of heart. It was a dullish brown in color, kind of like it was in decay. At first I thought it was some kind of statue, but upon picking it up, it felt...somehow...warm, and soft to the touch. Like it really was a heart.

If that wasn't freaky enough, this violent explosion of light came from where the heart had been sitting. I was blinded by the ligth and, suddenly, I started feeling really, really nausceous. And I also felt...I'm not sure how best to describe this...it was like..these feelings of rage, and anger, and dispair, and...suffering. They didn't exactly...fill my head, it felt more like..like they were tangible things, and it felt like they were flowing through me. But I was overcome by all of this, barely registering it, and then, I'm pretty sure I heard somebody cackling. When I came to, I was all alone, and my three squad mates were nowhere to be found.

The artifact I found...I was later told by McNeil and her posse that it was some sort of weapon. "The Heart of Hell," they called it. Fitting, I suppose. It's power was divided among these three "Hunters," who guarded the artifact. The artifact could not be destroyed without first restoring all of its power, and so, the only way to destroy it was to kill the three Hunters that its power was tied to. One Hunter had the power to slow time down around it and move with extreme speed, one had the power to deal damage many factors greater than its own strength allowed, and one had the power of invulnerability. If somebody managed to kill a Hunter, its power would be transferred back into the artifact, to be used by whoever wielded the artifact.

That somebody was me.

I know what you're thinking, "this is all some sort of make-believe fairy tale shit." I shit you not. I have no idea if there is a God, and so I don't know if the Devil is really His antithesis, but I know this; the Devil is real. And as for Hell, well, let's just say all those Jonathan Edwards sermons were dead-on; the place smelled like sulfer and rotting and burning flesh. Fire and magma everywhere, the smoke constantly choking and blinding you. The very air felt like it was roasting your lungs. There were these constant screams of bloody agony and murder in the background. And this constant feeling of dread, like that feeling in your gut that says you're about to be in for a world of hurt, only ten times worse.

And monsters, everywhere. Some small, some huge, but almost all of them had nasty claws and teeth. Some had eyes that glowed unnatural colors, and some didn't even have eyes at all. Some could pull fire into their palms and throw it at you. These the typical red guy with horns in his forehead, pronged tail, twirled mustache and goatee, and pitch fork look like a little bitch. The ones that I remember most, though, were the ones that looked like..babies, or infants, except they had robotic arms with claws, no legs, and insect wings. I guess that's what happens to all the abortions...

Damn, getting sidetracked again. So I had this artifact thing. At first it didn't seem like much, except that it seemed to "float" in my hands whenever I held it up. But when I managed to kill the first Hunter, it...felt like I was being called to the Hunter or something. The Hunter was howling in pain and defeat, and the same light from when I picked up the artifact was surrounding it. Somehow, I just knew to hold the artifact out in front, and, all of a sudden, the light surrounding the Hunter entered into the artifact.

Then the artifact started to beat. That's right, it was beating. And there were these three black runes on the artifact that I failed to notice before, only now one of them had a symbol glowing on it. And then another feeling overtook me. It was as if the artifact was "empty" somehow, like it needed to be...fed, or charged up. Right then and there I wasn't really sure what to do about that, it was weird enough that I seemed to "feel" whatever the artifact was feeling.

As I advanced into the next room, though, there were corpses of some of my fellow marines and some technicians. Only, something was different about them. I'm not sure they were physically glowing, but they seemed to have this..."aura" about them, that I could somehow make out even in the dark. And it also felt like the artifact was somehow "attracted" to this aura. Curious, I held out the artifact in front of me and stood in front of one of the corpses. Suddenly the aura seemed to be "sucked" into the artifact somehow. As this aura moved, however, I had these strange fleeting thoughts about random events, faces I had seen, people I had met, places I had been to, etc.

Only, they weren't places I had been to, they weren't people I had met.

I...still didn't fully get it. I'm not a very bright man, I usually can't put two and two together. But after it sucked in the aura I somehow felt partially sated. And the artifact was now beating faster. Not really sure of what to make of this, I tested the artifact out on another corpse. Same effect, aura disappeared from the corpse, and I started having all of these memories that weren't really mine. It didn't take long for me to find out that the artifact could only "hold" three of these auras at a time.

At the time I didn't know what the artifact did, so I didn't know why it needed to take these auras. Working my way out of the caverns and back up to the surface, though, I discovered quickly enough that the auras somehow caused the artifact to "activate" and unleash its power. Before the first Hunter, it did nothing, so I could only assume that killing the Hunter gave the artifact its power. The first power it gave me was the power to slow time down around me, except that I could move normally. For the record, I'm calling this "Hell Time." It was really freaky the first couple of times. I mean, this isn't exactly the kind of thing that happens to everybody. But as the reluctance and fear wore off and gave way to the exhilaration, I really started to enjoy being in Hell Time. I was literally running circles around the enemy, and what later turned into the demons and monsters that I spoke of earlier.

The feeling never felt like it lasted long enough, though, probably only about ten seconds from my perspective. Afterwards, I noticed that I didn't feel as sated, like one of the auras that I had used was now missing, depleted. It didn't matter to me, though, I'd just find another corpse and take its aura, then it was back to being Superman.

As I fought my way through the base, though, one of my objectives was to bring some sort of tablet to one of the scientists McNeil was coordinating with. When I got it to him, I learned more about the artifact. I learned that it was, indeed a weapon, but according to the legends of the ancients who built all of these ruins, it was powered by human souls.

That set off all kinds of alarms within me. And many things started to make sense, such as the auras that I could sense, and the memories that came from out of nowhere. This whole time, I had been sucking people's souls! How macabre was that?

I'm no religious man, but if the world's religions are indicative of anything, it's that the soul is nothing to dick around with. And as I started to think about all of this, I started to wonder; what happens to the soul after the artifact uses it? Is it destroyed somehow? The repercussions of all of this were...overwhelming. I began to look at my situation in a very different light. What if all this time, I was basically eating people's souls? What if every time I used this thing, their sole was destroyed, gone, no more, forever? I can't imagine that that's a decent way to go, your very soul being ripped from you and then killed. As much fun (and as useful!) as Hell Time was, I decided that I could not, in good conscience, use the artifact ever again.

My new orders were to go to the teleporter lab in the Phobos labs.. With my goal laid out and my resolve not to use the artifact in place, I set out to rendezvous with the target objective.

Without Hell Time, though, it was extremely difficult progressing through the rest of the base. The hallways and rooms were littered with dozens of monsters. I took quite a few hits, scratches, and beatings, even a couple of injuries that the UAC's best medkits wouldn't heal immediately. But I couldn't use the artifact again. I couldn't allow it to consume more souls. Sometimes it was hard, though, as I'd pass a corpse by with its fresh soul just lying there, waiting to be absorbed. I think...my mouth watered a few times. But I resisted. It just didn't seem right to take someone else's soul.

Just as I was about to board the monorail to the Phobos labs, though, the second Hunter came at me. He didn't have the speed of his first brother, but his footwork was good enough to dodge anything I could throw at him. He also had this "charging up" thing, and then his strength seemed to multiply like crazy, like he went absolutely berserk or something. With a single push, he knocked all the wind out of me must've knocked me clear across the room, a good twenty meters or so. I was hurting, and I had to find a way to beat this guy quickly or I'd fail my mission. I noticed that there was some sort of orange orb in his chest that would get exposed whenever he'd charge himeself up. I figured that it could be some sort of weakness, but he was just too quick for me to even hit him blindly with the chain gun. I knew if I didn't do something quickly, I was going to die.

I looked around the room for inspiration, and took note that there were corpses, complete with souls. I remember regretting it for a second, but only for a second. I took the artifact and stole their souls, and then I activated the Hell Time. Once again I was el numero uno, and with the Hell Time active the Hunter was no match for me. With sustained hits from my chain gun into the orb, the Hunter fell before me, and soon light was swirling around his dying form. I took the artifact, and with it, I stole the Hunter's Berserker power. Another one of the black runes glowed with another odd symbol, and with this new ability I felt even more powerful. I emerged victorious and glorious!

Only after using another soul, of course.

If I could make this one exception, I decided that I could use the artifact, but only if it was absolutely necessary. And, somehow, it felt like a crying shame if I didn't make use of the increased power I felt from the artifact.

So I made it to the Phobos labs and, unfortunately, when I activated the teleporter more baddies came out throught it. McNeil raised me on my comm and told me that we didn't have enough power to run the teleporter again, and to rendezvous with her. The entire time so far, I only used the artifact two or three times, as I did have a few close calls due to ambushes and overwhelming numbers coming at me all at once. Each time I used it, though, I felt both the rush from the Hell Time and the absolute satisfaction of decimating the enemy with the added damage from the Berserk. But I still tried my best to refrain, no matter how great it felt.

Finally, I met up with McNeil. I hadn't actually met her in person when she recruited me, it was more like I just got an email stating I met the requirements and asking whether or not I accepted the assignment. I gotta say, for the dorky science type, she wasn't that bad looking, although you wouldn't be able to tell she was a looker from the no-nonsense voice that was masked with static over the comm. Lose the glasses, maybe let down that red hair, definitely lose the clothes...erm, the UAC uniform, and I bet you anything you'd have a decent woman.

But anyway, she gave me more information about the artifact. Not only was it a weapon, but it also somehow made it possible for Hell to open up one-way portals into our world. That was why these monsters were everywhere, in spite of the teleporters in the Delta Complex being shut down.

Teleporters? Even on earth, there were rumors of experimental teleportation technology deep within the center of the former Mars Base. They said teleportation was Betruger's specialty, and that he was the one heading up the project to develop the technology. But I hadn't heard much more than that, as UAC non-disclosure clauses kept anybody who transferred off of Mars from talking about anything they had seen. But if what McNeil was talking about was true, then I guess that what really happened two years ago was that the teleporters did work, but I guess they allowed these monsters to come through.

But whatever happened, McNeil now wanted me to shut down the base's other systems so she could reroute power to the teleporter. After that, I was to take the teleporter to the Delta Complex and from there somehow make my way to Hell. The only way to ensure that the invasion stopped was to take the artifact back to Hell and destroy it somehow. She did warn me, however, that she knew that this must've sounded like a really crazy request.

Destroy something as awesome and wonderful as the artifact? Possibly. But stop the invasion? That was definitely on my to-do list. And with the artifact and plenty of dead bodies lying around this place, the enemy wasn't going to even have a chance in hell to stop me, pun completely intended.

As I went about shutting down all the bases's systems, I ran into the third Hunter. His specialty seemed to be this layer of electricity that completely surrounded him. In the process, though, one of the four reactor cores in this room overloaded and exploded. Whatever it was, no matter what I threw at him he just shrugged it off without even flinching. The Berserk seemed to do nothing, until I noticed that it was causing the electricity to drain away. But the thing just charged up again, only no core explosion this time. There wasn't an infinite pile of corpses lying around, and even with Hell Time I couldn't outrun this guy forever. But then I noticed that he seemed to be drawing energy for this little trick of his directly from the three remaining reactor cores. Taking a hint, I activated the artifact and, using the supernatural speed of the Hell Time and the damage from the Berserk, I destroyed all the cores and pretty much pissed all over this guy's parade. With nothing left to shield him from me and the artifact's wrath, I let him know what it really meant to get a thrashing.

When he inevitably went down and the light surrounded him, I used the artifact to absorb his power. The final rune on the artifact lit up with its own symbol. Now the Heart of Hell beat with the power of all three Guardians. And with the power of Invulnerability at my disposal, it seemed even less and less crazy to bring the fight to Hell itself.

Or so it seemed. I still had to try to take a minimalist approach to using the artifact. Countless souls were depending upon me.

As I made my way to making the preparations for the journey, though, it was becoming increasingly harder and harder to not use the artifact. The enemies were coming at me in ever growing numbers now, and they always consisted of the very-hard-to-kill type, ie, even a double-barrelled shotgun blast to the face didn't take them down. I found myself having to use the artifact more and more. At first I found myself thinking that I didn't have much of a choice, I was on a mission, and if I was to succeed it was either them or me. I still didn't like the idea of using innocent souls as my cannon fodder, but I had no choice, right?

Later that mentality evolved into what felt more like a crusade. I, the hero, had to slay the evil beasts and seal them away. It was for the good of humanity, and if a few innocents had to be sacrificed in the process, so be it. Their sacrifice was for a greater purpose, anyway. "The good of the many outweighs the needs of the few," and all that good-hearted jazz.

I still found myself asking if it was really my place to be using the artifact. Really, who was I to steal human souls and then use them in my battles? But I guess it was easier for me to think that there wasn't anything to feel sorry about, that it was easier to think that this was all for some grand purpose than to think about the lives that were being irrevocably lost. I still didn't even know what happened to the soul after you die. You probably either left your old body and went into a new one, or maybe there really was a heaven you got to go to if you were good. There certainly was a hell.

Mostly, though, it was easier to feel better about using the artifact when I was actually using it. Being faster than the enemy, stronger than the enemy, and even being invincible. For the monsters it was an extremely unfair fight, but I didn't care. Everytime I activated it, I was definitely high on something. I was on a power trip that I had never been on in my entire life. Seeing the dismay in their eyes as their shots either bounced off of me or I just danced around them, seeing them fly back in agony, the look of excruciating pain and humiliating defeat frozen on their faces as they fell in slow motion, and I just felt like screaming "instant replay!" each time.

The best Hell had to offer, and they couldn't even go toe to toe with me. They were all the same; they just fell namelessly before me. If it was absolutely pathetic, I didn't care.

I finally made it to the Delta Complex though, and...wow, that place got torn inside out. Entire walls with blood trickling all over them, skeletons and bones scattered everywhere that had been picked clean, and the lights kept flickering on and off. There weren't quite as many souls lying around, though, which was starting to concern me. I could probably hold off on using the artifact on the smaller enemies, though, they could be dealt with easily with the Grabber or something. It was only the larger enemies I'd have trouble with, and although it would be possible to beat them, it'd be harder, so I'd have to go back to playing it conservatively. Not being able to use the artifact just...felt wrong, like I was being handicapped somehow.

But I made it through Delta Complex without too much incident, and finally located the main test portal. Conveniently, though, it was already running, and was linked directly to Hell. I did the only thing I could do and went in.

The whole "fire and brinstone" description didn't do this place quite enough justice. It was as horrific as most people would lead you to believe, only worse. The very atmosphere, while breathable, not only choked and burned my body, it also felt like my very life force was trying to be drawn out. And with the senses of the artifact added to my own, I could feel souls all around me. This place...it's like a giant collection of souls. There're so many souls just..free floating around. I couldn't absorb them or anything, but there they were. But if I reached out and touched them, I could feel undescribible amounts of...suffering. I think just by their shear presence in this place they were being tortured. I've never experienced so much pain before. I couldn't even begin to bear it, so I just stopped reaching out for the souls.

Somehow, though, there were still bodies around, complete with lingering souls. I didn't know who these guys were, maybe they were the first ones to go through the teleporter. But they couldn't be the guys from two years ago, they would've rotted well before I stumbled upon them. But this place...this..Hell...things must work differently here.

I didn't dwell on it too much, though, nor did I question how these souls had managed to stay in their bodies for so long without getting sucked into this place. At least there was a good supply of bodies. I could once again use the artifact comfortably. No different than before, Hell's very residents fell before me, one by one, without a fair chance, without a prayer. As I progressed, however, there seemed to be fewer and fewer monsters. I was a bit suspicious of this, perhaps they had all pulled back or were waiting to ambush me in some grandioso fashion.

But eventually they stopped coming altogether. I guess they had their fill of getting their demonic asses handed back to them, complete with that little green garnishing crap on the side. Either that, or they were making way for something much bigger.

It mattered little to me. The more the merrier, I thought. I'd strike them all down regardless.

Having picked up stray ammo and supplies from the bodies and crates that were spread out across Hell, and having a fully charged artifact, I came across a giant blue column of light. It was a teleporter of sorts, only it was for local travel within Hell. From the size of it and from the giant skull statue looking over it, I had to guess that this is probably where the master of all these beasts I slayed resided. Fully loaded and throwing all caution to the wind, confident that I could handle whatever was given to me, I stepped into the light.

There he was. Human beings have known him by many names over the ages. "Satan" and "Devil" spring to my mind first. He had the body of a dragon, although the arms were replaced by giant wings. But where the lizard-like head should be, there was a skull, and the skull's tongue had a human head on the tip. This was the guy all the rumors and McNeil spoke of. This was the infamous Dr. Betruger. Or, I guess it used to be him.

I didn't care what the hell he was, he was gonna burn.

The fight, at least as I remember it, was drawn out but glorious. He sent down a rain of fire upon me, and I did my best to dodge. I only noticed two near-by corpses. With three souls already in my possession, that meant I'd only have five opportunities to use the Artifact, and this guy didn't look like he'd go down without a fight. Five might be cutting it close, but I was confident the artifact would protect me and lead me to victory.

Five uses later, though, and Betruger was still going strong. I wasn't even sure he was flinching. Then again, this was Satan himself, the man who invented pain and suffering. He probably took quite a beating before he went down.

But without more souls to fuel the artifact, though, I felt...naked. Like I was probably going to lose. If I could just beat this guy, I could go look for more souls, and then...

And then what? Once Satan or whoever was dead, there was nothing left to do but destroy the artifact. It had to be done, for the safety of our own existence. But surely I could just keep it. With Satan out of the picture, the demons would be leaderless, disorganized. They wouldn't bother coming into our dimension again. And after all the shit I had been through up until this point, I think I had earned the right to keep the artifact. I single-handedly killed Hunters, I earned their powers, why shouldn't I be able to use them?

What the hell was I saying? I sounded like one of those crack heads who beg you for your change all so they can get another hit. Had I forgotten what I had initially promised? That I wouldn't use more souls than I had to, if any? But...no, I was justified in my use, and all I needed was one more soul and this guy was toast.

One more. Just one more. It suddenly dawned on me that this whole escapade all I needed was just one more soul to use. Use just one more, and then I'll quit. I hated to admit it to myself, but I didn't know when to quit.

But I had to quickly stow that as Betruger was flying right at me. I whipped out the portable rocket launcher I packed away and started shooting rockets at him blindly. They all missed, and he landed right on top of me. He then picked me up with his mouth and shook me around before throwing me down to the ground.

When I came to, the head of Betruger was hovering only a foot away from my face. "Return what is ours!" he commanded in this oddly distorted voice.

I wasn't prepared to give him the artifact, though. It was MINE. I had found it, I had killed all the Hunters and taken their powers, NOBODY but ME deserved to use it!

As I held out the artifact in front of me, though, for the very first time I noticed what happened to my hands as I held it. They seemed to decay somehow, the skin and finger nails becoming a dull brown, drying and cracking, revealing the atrophied muscle and tendons below.

Is that really what happened to me every time I had the artifact out? Did I look like one of those zombie things I slaughtered every time I used it?

And then it hit me, if I was wielding demonic powers, I was probably a demon myself. And only a demon would steal and eat souls.

Had it really come to this? Was I a monster?

I...won't lie. Even now I sometimes still feel the need to go into Hell Time, or be invincible. And it was no different then. But if I kept the artifact any longer, who knew before I did become a monster permanently? Or how long before I start killing innocent people just to feed my habit?

I'd be damned before I became one of Betruger's bastard children, pun completely intended. He wanted the damn thing, so I let him have it. Literally shoved it down his throat.

All I remember after that was hearing him scream and then everything going dark, then white, then being in the medical recovery area of the Phobos labs, complete with McNeil to greet me.

I never knew how I got out of Hell. I don't even know if Betruger..Satan..whoever was truly dead. And if he was, where will all the bad folks go now when they die? But I guess more than anything else, I wondered why I didn't stay in Hell. I had definitely used more souls than was necessary, if they were necessary to use at all. Before it was easy to say "it was for all of humanity" or something, but I don't think ANY of us can justify the taking and consuming of other souls. At least, not as many as I used.

I guess I wouldn't feel so bad if the souls just brushed themselves off and went on their merry way, but...I don't think that's what happened at all. To this day, I really think that they were consumed somehow, and will never come back. And I don't ever want that on my conscience, again.

Even though I'm pretty sure I did the right thing, there are times I still miss the artifact and what it did for me. For a while afterward, I couldn't focus on anything else. Not knowing if they'd believe me or not, when my superiors asked for my report and debriefed me I left out huge chunks of the story, specifically with regards to the artifact and the demons and Hell. They determined that I was just having some sort of psychological trauma from this new incident and that all I needed was some leave and some mandatory treatment. McNeil, for the most part, knows what went on, but kept her mouth shut as well. But I haven't even told her all of this, and nor would I want to. I don't think she could possibly understand.

At the time, I didn't give too much of a second thought to all that had been done and all the souls that had been thoughtlessly spent. But in retrospect, I'm not very proud of my actions. Every day I face my regrets. Perhaps this is the true hell, the purgatory one enters when their guilt kicks them in the balls and tells them they fucked up. If there truely is a Heaven, I wonder whether or not God will smile upon me when I get to those big pearly gates. Technically, though, I've already been to Hell, so I guess there isn't much God can do to punish me, but even so, I wonder how I can ever atone for all those lost souls.

At the moment...I don't see how I can. I don't even know if Fubar could give me the answer to that one. Guess I better start going to church to find the answer.

End of log.


End file.
